Douchebags

I have remained silent on this disturbing trend long enough.

Over the past summer, I watched, in abject horror, the latest fashion "trend" promulgated by the rag trade and foisted upon the torsos of straight males across this great land of ours.

I refer, of course, to the "square-cut tank top"

It became the casual wear of choice for a certain sub-set of the population, those that I and several respected demographers refer to as the "douchebag". From the Latin douchebaggus vulgaris, a descriptive term for a certain subset of the plebescite who sported short togas, blow-out hairstyles and were inordinately fond of tanning, the Modern Douchebag is a direct descendant of the original, sartorially speaking.

It's got a beat, but can you dance to it?

What did we ever do before the Internet?

NOTE: Be sure to watch all the way to the end; the kicker is Priceless!

Oh, Really

This blog isn't really about politics (I've got a different blog for that), but this whole Sarah Palin Hockey-Mom for VP thing has got me so twisted that I'm really, honestly, ready to kick the next Republitard I meet right in the deep-closeted, page-raping, do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do, foot-tapping, wide-stanced 'nads.

If this doesn't prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that McChimpy is totally, unabashedly bat-shit crazy... I don't know what will. Does he really have to smear fecal matter on his face and rant about the 'gooks' in broad daylight before anybody realizes this?

Just. Watch.

Time Warp

OK, stupid fun, and it's just a shill for various retail malls, but I had many a giggle putting myself through Yearbook Yourself. This was just one of the results. I guarantee giggles.

{retch}

I know, I know, it is like shooting fish in a barrel... but come on.

Gay Men are the Unsung Heroes of the child Beauty Pageant Circuit

Oh, and for the sake of journalistic integrity, I must report that I have personal knowledge that Michael "King of Queens" Galanes is actually 43, not 37. Botox is not a time machine, honey. We both graduated from BUHS in 1983... and unless he was a 6'2" 12-year-old...

Battlestar

OK, another closet to come out of - I'm a total sci-fi geek. And, yes, I use "sci-fi". I'm old school. The youngsters use "sf", disdaining "sci-fi" as hopelessly Eisenhoweresque.

Fuck 'em.

Anyhoo, a thread over on Ravelry in the Battlestarknitters group (yes, knitters who like BSG - the geek coefficient is through the roof, my lovelies) asked a simple, open-ended question: What are your predictions for where the show will end up.

Some very serious scholarship and prognostication is on display in that thread. Then, there was my entry, which I will reproduce for you here in its entirety.

When the Fleet finally reaches Earth, they will find it completely depopulated except for the original Earth “7”.

1 - Gilligan
2 - Skipper
3 - The Millionaire
4 - His Wife
5 - The Movie Star
6 - The Professor
7 - Mary Anne

They will find that, like the space-based “7”, these models cannot interbreed. Although, 1 and 2 have a suspiciously close “buddy-buddy” relationship, 5 attempts to mate with anything that could possibly produce a movie, and 7 has a penchant for shorts and gingham off-the-shoulder halter-tops. 3 and 4, whilst loudly professing their undying affection for each other, spend most of their time subjugating the others. This “6”, meanwhile, shows no interest in sex or procreation whatsoever. Alternate universe, anyone? Anyone?

Unsurprisingly, the Earth “7” will be discovered just days shy of completing their own Battlestar constructed entirely of coconuts and bamboo.

The Harlot Touched My Sock!

Maybe that headline needs a little explanation. OK, maybe alot.

I went to Northampton MA yesterday to meet Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, aka The Yarn Harlot - she was appearing at WEBS to sign copies of her new book, then spoke at the Calvin Theatre for a delightful hour.

While waiting in line for the Harlot to sign my copy of her book, I toiled away on my (5th try at a) first sock.

Stephanie evidently has a soft spot in her heart for first sock knitters. After taking my picture, she gave me a great tip on how to make sure you can easily pick up stitches on the heel flap when starting the gusset. (If the previous sentence was complete gibberish to you... don't stress. It's a knitter thing).

Imagine my surprise when, upon visiting said Harlot's blog, I found my smiling face amidst the "First Sock Knitters" section.

Imagine my chagrin when, upon "clicking to embiggen" my picture, I realized that the combination of a big smile, fluorescent lighting and the woman's evil camera, my face resembled an inflated bladder on a stick.

She should really allow us to Photoshop those puppies before she posts them...

Kah-Lee-Fohn-Yah, here I come

So, it's official. I'll be in Long Beach from 22 Feb to 26 Feb. Excited to see my friend after almost 20 months away from the Golden State. The weather here in CT has been dismal-ish the past 2 weeks or so. Last night snow, followed by freezing rain, then just rain. Lots of rain. The sump pump in the basement is working overtime. (Those of you who have no idea what a sump pump could possibly be... rejoice in your ignorance.)

Less excited to be in SoCal. But one does what one must.

And if you were wondering, the title of this post is my phonetic approximation of California as pronounced by its current Governator. The simple fact that Arnold freakin' Schwarzenegger is the Governor continues to freak my freak. Gray Davis may have had issues... but Kindergarten Cop? Puh-leeze, Gunther.

Correction

OK, so I frogged the socks. (for the Muggles, that means I rolled all the yarn back into a ball and started all over again. Kind of related to a Mulligan in golf - except I don't have to wear spikes or pretend to be a W.A.S.P.)

Just thought you should know.

P.S. to anyone I've promised knitted goods to for Christmas / Hanukkah / Ramadan / Solstice...

Don't be holdin' yo breath. Blue doesn't look good on you, honey-chile.

Sometimes, Kids are O.K.

Don't get me wrong. Most of the time, I believe children are the reason that God (or whoever) invented Swiss Boarding Schools. Seriously.

But the look on this child's face as Slappy McAsshat leans over to share his MLK-day deep thoughts... that's a look you can't fake, and you can't spin.

Child, whoever you are... for this moment, you're O.K. with me.

Don't let it go to your head, however. Tomorrow you'll most likely just be another annoying pre-teen.

Poke, Wrap, Wheeeee!

OK, it's time that I came out of the closet.

No, not that closet. Christ, I've been out of that closet so long I think the hanger-prints are finally starting to fade from the back of my skull.

No, I'm referring to the knitting closet.

I am a knitter.

Strangely, it wasn't a lot less disconcerting to say that publicly than it was the first time I had to say out loud, "yes, I'm gay." And at least the gay thing, people mostly get. They may not like it, but they get it. But knitting? WTF?

It goes way back. My paternal grandmother crocheted and tatted. I mean doilies. I mean big, complicated, holy fuck kinda doilies. Meanwhile, my maternal grandmother was multi-craftual. My grandfather died shortly before I was born, leaving a 45 year-old woman with 5 children ranging in age from 25 to 15. She wasn't going to be taking care of little kids... so what she did was start to craft. Anything. I mean anything. Decorated egg-crate Christmas trees. Decorated goose eggs. Knitting. Crochet. Embroidery. Sewing. You name it, my Nana tried it, and had a back shed full of craft supplies to prove it. As a little gay kid, my Nana's back shed was a real wonderland... jars and jars full of the most amazing buttons a 5 year old has ever seen... construction paper in every color of the rainbow... magic markers, crayons, cool old postcards to decoupage... you get the basic idea.

My first knitting project was on a Spoolie made for me by my Nana. Spoolies, for the uninformed, are wooden thread spools with nails driven into the top... a kind of home-made version of knitting looms that they sell in craft stores now. I sat on her livingroom carpet for hours, watching Abbott & Costello movies on Channel 29 and making miles and miles of spoolie (OK, so it was I-cord. Happy now?)

I don't think anything ever came of the product of my Spoolie... maybe a potholder or something, but the memory eludes me. True to form, even then I was not a "product" knitter, I was a "process" knitter. The joy of wrapping the yarn, pulling loops over the tops of the nails and watching the knitted cord come out the bottom of the spool was all that I needed - actually getting a usable item out of the thing was just gravy, dude.

Fast forward about 30 years. . Ok, maybe 35.

I've made a few hats, scarves, fingerless mitts. I even attempted and completed a French Market Bag. Woo-hoo! I'm right now in the process of trying my first, honest-to-god, turn-the-heel and full-on-gusseted sock. Can't touch this!

Who invented size 1 dpns? Were they out of their fucking minds? Do you have any idea how many stitches it takes to make an inch of fabric?

I don't care. If I actually get a pair of socks out of this... you guessed it. Gravy.

Going Back West

Well, honestly, it may or may not happen. We'll see.

A friend of mine from my San Diego days wants me to come visit. He's now in Long Beach - marginally better than San Diego, some may say. Others may just shake their heads knowingly and say softly "well... whatever."

The trip has nothing to do with wanting to visit SoCal. I can state categorically and without bitterness or rancor that I could die happily (far in the future, of course) without ever seeing the brown hills and fucked-up freeways of San Diego, Orange and LA Counties ever, ever again.

No, this trip is about friendship.

I am not a good friend. I don't say this as a way to fish for negating statements to the contrary. My friendships, few as they are, are even now tenuous, delicate things that may perish by way of wanton neglect or active sabotage. A few of my friends from San Diego (if they ever read this, which I doubt) know exactly what I'm talking about.

I've never been the kind of person who works hard at maintaining a friendship. Or a relationship of any kind, come to think of it. Maybe I'm just supremely self-involved, self-interested and selfish. Maybe I have one of those self-destructive personalities that can't believe that someone would actually want to be my friend and so, Q.E.D. cannot be a friend to another person.

I hope this is not true, as it would validate all of the negative feelings I've ever had towards myself. Vicious Cycle, anyone? Anyone?

But my friend is having a bad time. Not the kind of bad time you have when you end up at a movie theatre watching something that should've been cut up to make guitar picks the day before it was released. No, my friend is having a Seriously. Bad. Time.

I'm honestly not sure how to handle this. Do I pretend it's not happening? Do I try to joke and sarcasm my way through yet another challenge that life throws my way? Do I actually express my feelings and make myself vulnerable, let myself feel the anger and sadness and frustration and grief?

I dunno.

Sarcasm, irony and schadenfreude have been my go-tos for so long now that any other choice is waaaaay outside my comfort zone. To quote Shirley MacLaine in Steel Magnolias ...

"Are you high, Clairee?"

So.

The End of an Era, Part II

This one really hurts.

I spent January 2002 to June 2006 in San Diego, CA. I won't go into the long list of pros and cons of San Diego... people who love it, love it; those who don't so much love it, don't, and ne'er the twain shall meet.

One of the blessings (and as a non-Christian I don't use that term loosely) of my time in San Diego, however, was to meet Kevin Cavanaugh. Kevin was the mastermind behind Blue Velvet, a self-described "retro lounge act" whose brilliance had to be seen to be believed.

Imagine, if you will, a sharkskin-jacketed vocalist/keyboard player/impresario, backed by 2 chicks dressed as 1967 bridesmaids, singing a totally-lounged-out arrangement of "Born To Be Wild" or a brilliantly conceived medley of ABBA tunes, whilst wearing gowns and wigs that would make Emma Peel or Lady Bird Johnson absolutely green with envy. If you can imagine this, you are either a total stoner, or you actually managed to catch "Blue Velvet" at one of their gigs.

I met Kevin shortly after I arrived in San Diego, and became a total, "oh-my-god-I'm-a-teenaged-girl" fan. Even more incredibly (for me, not for the audience), I had the chance to sing with him several times when he played at The Caliph, a bar that I can charitably describe as - ahem - "The Wrinkle Room". We even had an abortive attempt at a guy-group cleverly referred to as "Aqua Velvet". Wait... does one gig count? Need I say more? It died a death and probably the world is better for it.

Kevin is not only an amazing musician, but a genuinely helluva nice guy. He's one of those guys for whom I wish nothing but great things... and if you know me, you know how rare that is. I'm not really evil... I'm just very sparing with praise...

Anyway, it turns out that after more years in SD than I, Kevin has decided to return to the land of his ancestors, namely Grand Rapids, MI. Now, I'm not about to go on about MI having the highest unemployment rate in the country - let Mitt Romney answer for that in his campaign speeches. And Kevin, I already did the "going back to my roots" thing... imitation is just tacky, dude.

I will, however, join those in San Diego in mourning the fact that Blue Velvet will no longer be gracing stages there... they were amazing, and the fact that they were not showered with gigs and cash money only reinforces my judgment that San Diego is a cultural backwater that deserves non-stop repeats of American Gladiator.

To the ladies of Blue Velvet, I can only express my undying affection and appreciation - and I hope nothing but the best for you all.

To Kevin, well... Kevin, I hope you find happiness in Michigan - and you need to know that now you're only 1 time-zone away from Connecticut. If you ever need a partner in a duet of "Oliver's Army"... you know where to find me.

"One More Widow, One Less White... mphmmger... "

The End of an Era

You might possibly not know Trudy. If so, you are much the poorer for the lack. Trudy was a blogger long before the word "blog" had even been invented. Her first dated post goes all the way back to the Cretaceous - July 23rd, 1995 to be exact - and I can honestly say that Trudy was indeed a voice in the wilderness, calling out for peace, love and complicated cocktails long before it was in fashion.

Trudy, as you may or may not know, is her own special creation - it was never quite clear whether she was female, male, gay, straight, transgendered, transvested or simply a Pontiac TransAm with a clever alter ego - but no matter. Trudy welcomed all into her conversation pit, had witty banter with the worthy and managed to put the unworthy in their respective places in a most amusing and loquacious way.

In her last post dated 28 September 2006, she voices a certain world-weariness with which I can identify - having changed my nom-de-blog from the confrontational Angry Homo to the more mainstream NeoYankee... but it hurts, oh, god, it hurts.

Trudy, I for one miss your witty conversation, your sparkling repartee, and of course your cocktail recipes. You are a true original, and you shall be missed. My conversation pit nom de plume "Aquanetta di Seraglio (Mlle.)" shall be retired forevermore.

Unless, of course, you're just on a very LONG vacation, in which case... just whatinhell has Abbatoir been up to???